Is it over yet? Christmas— that is. Christmas 2012 has come and gone, has it not?
That means— HALLALEUJAH!— another one-year break from Christmas music.
OK, I’m kidding a little. Most Christmas music isn’t that bad. Some is downright superb, in fact.
My favorite Christmas song is “The Little Drummer Boy,” but only the Harry Simeon Chorale’s version will do for me. It’s just human voices accompanied by the striking of a piano. That’s all that is needed to tell the simple tale of a poor boy that can only play his drum as a gift to the Christ child.
there are other versions of “The Little Drummer Boy,” but the one by the Harry Simeon Chorale reaches the level of perfection. And we know what happens when people try to improve on perfection.
Good Christmas music aside, we can agree that there is some Christmas music that absolutely, positively has to go, can’t we?
Yes, I’m thinking Christmas rap songs here. A plea to America’s rappers: PLEASE don’t do this.
And I’m not one of those old “fuddy duddies” that doesn’t like rap. Fact is, I do like rap. As I’m fond of saying, rap helped kill disco; I owe rap and rappers a debt I can never repay them.
Before all you disco fans get your noses out of joint: yes, I am joking. You’ll have to decide for yourselves whether or not my quip was funny. What can’t be denied is my quip isn’t exactly true.
Actually, it was disco that helped rap become a big-time music genre. Wasn’t one, of the first rap mega-hits “Rapper’s Delight” by The Sugar Hill Gang?
And didn’t they sample heavily from Chic’s disco mega-hit “Good Times”?
OK, total truth be told, the Sugar Hill Gang didn’t just sample from “Good Times.” They ripped it off completely.
But back to the Christmas songs that really, really, REALLY should never be played again. In addition to rap Christmas songs, I’m adding these to the list: ANY Christmas song done by Elvis Presley— and no, unlike disco’s fans, I’m not making apologies to any Elvis fans out there. His Christmas songs have got to go. How bad are they?
The Porky Pig version of “Blue Christmas” is better than the Elvis version. Yeah, I said it. The Pig sounds better than Elvis. There’s a movie that’s currently running on HBO called “Looney Tunes 2: Back in Action.” In it Bugs Bunny sings Elvis’ “Viva Las Vegas.”
BUGS BUNNY sounds better than Elvis. Oh, Elvis was kind of good, I suppose. But his contemporaries Chuck Berry, Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis were better.
And it’s worth noting that there were no “London Elvis Presley Sessions.” Why is that significant?
There were “London Chuck Berry Sessions,” in which British rockers played with the American rock and roll legend.
There are “London Howling Wolf Sessions” and “London Muddy Waters Sessions,” with those limey rockers playing with these legendary American blues artists.
Why didn’t British rockers want to play with Elvis? He wasn’t that good; neither are his Christmas songs.
Rounding out the list of those who should never have their Christmas songs played ever again: THE BEACH BOYS!
Yes, I might have to go into a witness protection program after that one. Offending Beach Boys fans probably isn’t a good idea.
However, there is one thing about the music of The Beach Boys: it probably should have stayed on the beach. That would be the proper place for it. And their Christmas songs aren’t even fit for the beach.
So, for Christmas 2013, radio program executives, please: no more rap, Elvis or The Beach Boys.