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A guide to raising good men, by my mom

David G. Allan, CNN | 12/5/2017, 7:35 a.m.
I can safely declare that I'm not going to end up on any list of media dirtbags. Like most men ...
If we raised young boys to be sensitive, empathic and self-disciplined, we'd have fewer stories of men behaving badly. CNN

She said she sees how I now help cultivate this same sense with my daughters. My wife and I reckon their strong-willed and forthright personalities are strengths that will serve them well their entire lives (especially if they come up against men to whom these kinds of lessons were not imparted).

Emphasize family ties

My mom also felt that part of forming a strong self-identity comes from how we internalize our own family, even one as fractured as mine. She aimed to impart a familial identity handed down from my great-grandmother to her children and grandchildren. Our first-generation Irish matriarch defined her brood as intelligent, solidly built, healthy, handsome, polite, well-mannered, politically engaged and Catholic. She passed these descriptions down in terms of "who we are," what we represent and how we act.

Give the right feedback for the right age

A common criticism of parenting today is that kids are growing up thinking everything they do is worthy of praise. And while I do remember my mother being endlessly supportive of my creative efforts and ideas when I was little, she made a conscious shift as I got older and prepared to strike out on my own, to assessments that were more constructively critical.

When I was young, no artistic or writing effort was met with anything but praise. But I recall an essay I wrote for a high school contest that she tore down for poor word choice. And later, some life decisions I made about where to move were met with skepticism rather than blind support. My kids are young enough to be in the effort=praise stage, but I may follow her lead as I feel the stakes are raised.

Foster independence

In some ways, being raised by a single mother required that I develop independence. I was a latchkey kid who got myself to and from school at long distances. I had no allowance, so if I wanted money, I found a way to make it, like buying a snow shovel and going door-to-door after a big snow. I had my first (not-so-legal) summer job at age 12 (my idea, not hers).

Stay busy

One of my mother's most inspiring parenting decisions was finding a youth boxing league for me to join when I was 10. I was getting in trouble for fighting at school, too often using fists instead of words. Boxing taught me some discipline. "You can't be getting into fights at school now," my coach, Mr. Hunter, explained, "because now you know how to really hurt someone." It wasn't true, but I believed it.

Kids get into trouble when they have too much idle time, my mom told me. This "Music Man" theory of behavior goes beyond just staying out of the pool halls. After-school activities, sports, artistic and literary pursuits and (in my case) paid jobs "help you understand the rules of engagement" in the world, is how she put it.

These virtues and parenting lessons I learned from my mom are not just about raising sons. They apply to daughters, of course. But it seems clear to me that if we raise young boys to be sensitive, empathic, self-disciplined, kind and industrious and to have a high sense of self-worth, we'd have fewer stories of men behaving badly and fewer victims of that bad behavior. That work begins with the boys.