Part II of Two-Part Series
During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it is critical to point out that domestic violence (intimate partner violence) can involve verbal, sexual, physical, emotional or financial abuse. The People’s Law Library points out that having to account for every dime, not being allowed to use the phone and being cussed at or called names can be indicative of abusive behavior that is displayed by a family member who mistreats another family member or intimate partner. Abuse may not only be physical. Moreover, “substance abuse by a family member can contribute to other forms of abuse,” per The People’s Law Library (https://www.peoples-law.org/what-domestic-violence ).
How to Deal with an Abuser
Whitney Coleman, LICSW, LCSW-C, owner of Jade Clinical Services, provides mental health services to women of color who are experiencing life transitions, anxiety, and trauma. Coleman provides three tips that can help someone deal with an abusive person.
- Use the gray rock technique to reduce escalation if you are unable to leave the situation. This involves having minimal emotional response to trigger further behavior.
- Document as much behavior as you can and store it outside the home, in a locked location or with a trusted friend.
- Have a safety/escape plan in place, in advance, with safe contacts, hidden funds, escape routes, and safe places to go. When the time comes to leave, you will know your options and the resources available to you.
“Increase your independence as much as possible, socially, financially, emotionally, and physically. The more support and options you have, the less control the abuser has over you,” said Coleman.
Victims of abuse should document abuse however they can. Coleman explained that if a victim is injured by an abuser, he or she should receive medical care have the injuries documented.
“Even psychosomatic injuries such as headaches and stomachaches show a pattern of medical issues that can correlate. Additionally, medical providers ask screening questions and evaluate the behavior of those who attend and document in the record, so if there are any controlling behaviors noticed, they will be documented.”
If a person is stalked or harassed, digital evidence in the form of photos, screenshots, call logs, text threads can be used as evidence of abuse. Additionally, a psychological evaluation of ongoing mental health services can assess and document emotional and psychological effects of the abuse, provide written reports, and expert testimony if needed.
“Keeping a written log of incidents with dates and times is useful. It shows patterns of behavior and can align with other evidence. When keeping a log, make sure to be detailed with what was said or done, who was present, how it impacted you, if there was an escalation in behavior, and save any supporting evidence. All of this should be saved on something secure where the partner cannot access it,” Coleman added.
The Portrait of an Abuser
Domestic violence abusers can have personality disorders such as antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, and traits such as manipulativeness, narcissism, grandiosity, feeling entitled, and a lack of empathy. They have been linked with abusive behavior, but having these traits does not mean one will be abusive.
“It is similar to the nature versus nurture debate, meaning does the abusive behavior come from the person or does something in their environment trigger the behavior,” Coleman noted.
Resources to Help Domestic Violence Survivors
Coleman provided various online and phone resources to help victims of domestic violence gain clarity to obtain information that can assist them.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) has a directory of services on their website (thehotline.org) which can be filtered by shelter; basic needs; crisis support; mental health; financial aid; legal help; sexual assault; youth services and information regarding services by state.
The National Teen Dating Abuse (https://www.loveisrespect.org/) helping is available at 866-311-9474 or text “LOVEIS” TO 22522
The Deaf Hotline (https://www.thedeafhotline.org/) is available via video phone at 855-812-1001 to support deaf survivors 24/7 to provide culturally appropriate services.
StrongHearts (https://strongheartshelpline.org/) is available via 844-7NATIVE (844-762-8483) for Native Americans experiencing domestic violence 24/7.
